Inappropriate

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1. We hear a lot about conversations or stories being 'inappropriate', don't we?
2. The implication is that inappropriateness is akin to unpleasantness

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1. There is an Ad agency cliche: "we bring the sizzle to your sausage"
2. Serious question - can you actually have the sizzle without the sausage?
3. The Victorians loved this kind of metaphysical conundrum.
4. Remember Alice's Cheshire Cat that disappeared leaving only a smile.
5. Well you can't say that today. It's not politically correct.
6. Remember Greg Wallace, the TV celebrity chef from Peckham?
7. He tried to made an oblique reference to it.
8. He announced to female work colleagues that what he was NOT wearing was boxer shorts.
9. The sausage without the sizzle.
10. The cat lost its smile.
11. Aren't boxer shorts decent enough?
12. He didn't say he was wearing a G-string or a jock strap.
13. If I said that, beneath my cassock, I was NOT wearing a posing pouch my congregation would be shocked.
14. Boxer shorts are wholesome. Jock straps are sordid and unsavoury.
15. Sadly, Greg is no longer allowed to do TV food programmes.
16. Fortunately it gave him a marvellous business idea.
17. He set up a chain of bakery shops called ‘Greg’s’.
18. The sizzle without the sausage.
19. ‘the sausage without the meat’.

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1. What is it about the current obsession with cute pets?
2. It's probably harmless, but little dogs in handbags!!?!
3. Sometimes it verges on idolatry.
4. They worshipped cats in ancient Egyptian and look what happened.
5. Church of England numbers are going down
6. Cat pics are becoming an epidemic.
7. I even overheard some rap song lyrics:
8. “Her pussy was a work of art”

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1. I am not a great royalist but found myself thinking of King Charles the other day.
2. I was day-dreaming.
3. Curled up in a foetal position with my trousers around my ankles...
   • ...and undergoing a rear-entry finger penetration.
4. By a rather attractive young lady doctor
5. Perfectly appropriate.
   • ...and not entirely unpleasant, either.
6. Some of you chaps may also have endured a prostate inspection.
7. A few weeks later I was in a hospital bed surrounded by nurses.
8. They were sending a tiny camera team in through my front bottom, as it were.
9. Yes - appropriate but UNpleasant.
10. There was a large screen above my bed and I could see where the camera was going...
11. The whole process reminded me of that famous children's author Roald Dahl.
12. He wrote a book called...what was it?
13. No, not 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'
14. 'James and the Giant Peach'

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1. A hand gesture may be inappropriate but welcome
   • Or appropriate but unwelcome.
2. Have you ever had food go down the wrong way and not known whether to swallow or to gag?
3. According to Scientists, Mother Nature pre-disposes the body to one or the other
   • Yes, the gaggers and the swallowers.
4. In a restaurant the other day and I saw young lady gagging on a large peanut
5. This can be a life or death moment
6. Emergency procedures - what would you do?
7. A Heimlich Manoevre may be appropriate but unwelcome if the lady has a large bosom
8. Does performing an action from behind reduce the embarrassment?
9. It's easier for gentlemen.
10. You can go in from the front with what Hollywood calls the 'Kevin Spacey Manoevre'

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