Angst Man

(see other comedy notes)

1. My housekeeper, Agnes, keeps insisting that I am a 'pedant'.
2. And she has repeated the assertion a total of seven times in the last four and a half months.
   • Whereas pedants focus onto trivial details, my concern is with neglected life-or- death issues of signage or graphic design
3. I pity visitors to the UK who are not accustomed to English.
4. E.g. ‘Flammable versus inflammable’ - it's a very important distinction!
   • Logically opposite in meaning but strikingly similar in meaning.
5. If that were not bad enough the railways used to have a sign saying: "Do not alight from a moving train"
6. Saw a sign saying “Trains run either way”
   • Line length = “Trains run either
   • Way”
7. whereas ‘Either’ = 6 characters
   • ‘Both’ = 4 characters + 1 additional ‘s’ on the end of ‘ways’ = one fewer (less) character and the opportunity to correct the line lengths
8. I.e. ‘Trains run

Both ways’

1. This also also avoids the ambiguity about the pronunciation of ‘either’___
2. Have you all read the new translation of the story of Archimedes in his bath?
3. It reveals his little know concern for the emancipation of women and related healthcare issues.
4. In the new translation he is depicted as lying in the bath and contemplating the difference between the male and the female anatomy.
5. To be more precise (my ancient Greek is not what it was) he is wondering why UTI's are more prevalent in women than in men. (UTI = Urinary Tract Infection)
6. After pondering this for a long time he suddenly gets a stonking 'light-bulb moment'.
   • n.b. this is remarkable historically, if not anachronistic, as light bulbs were not invented until the 19th century.
   • n.b. it was also fortunate in health and safety terms as electricity and water can be highly dangerous when combined in a bathroom context.
7. Anyway, he has his light bulb moment, solves the problem, and jumps out of the bath.
8. He is so excited he runs down the street shouting 'Eurethra, eurethra'!
9. Awesome!! A gentleman and a scholar!!

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1. I am often criticised as being out of touch with the real world.
2. This is unfair.
   • Does anyone know who Harry Houdini was?
3. Yes, and his stage act included inviting audience members to come up and punch him as hard as they could.
4. He died when he was my age.
   • Does anyone know HOW he died?
5. Yes, someone walked up to him in the street and hit him hard in the stomach.
6. You have to think on your feet, sometimes.
7. When I was six years old, a clown sought to humiliate me by hurling a custard pie at me.
8. Fortunately, I knew that custard is a non-Newtonian fluid.
   • It resembles liquid but if you hit it with a hammer it shatters into a powdery state
9. This reminded me of Wittgenstein’s famous duck-rabbit picture depicting ambiguity.
10. I knew I was facing two simultaneous dilemmas:
    • A) Could I shatter the custard with the hardback book I was carrying?
    • B) Could I drop my head down, just before the custard hit my face?
11. I thought to myself - "this is an urgent “duck or grab it” dilemma".
12. There wasn't a moment to lose.
    • One is reminded of the famous line in 'Starwars' - "feel the force, Luke"
13. Well, as the custard hit my face I remembered Harry Houdini.
14. The boundary between art and life is wafer thin.
15. And I pondered an ethical question: when is it appropriate to punch a clown in the stomach?

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(Both unwelcome and inappropriate)
Unexpected but appropriate actions

1. No symptoms!